Claudia

jhjhvj

2006-01-30T21:21:00.000-08:00

just some random shots.. see more at http://flickr.com/photos/fleeting_memories/

Tear Sweet Tear

2005-12-07T21:28:00.000-08:00

Lift your perfect arms and fly away from here, my dear. This was not your time, it was not your day. The smiles on their faces radiated love towards you. They wanted nothing more than to hold you in their arms. They loved you more than you could ever know. They will never hear you cry their names. They will never see you take your first steps. They will never see you win your first competition. They will sit here astounded by the loss of you wondering why He took you away. You had a mission and it impacted the world. You might have changed the world, even if you didn't, you changed them, you changed us, you changed me. They will be alright, we will all be okay. Prayers will go up for them and you will watch over them. If you look closely you can see how you changed them all. Now, lift your perfect arms and fly away from here, my dear.

it's not okay anymore.

2005-08-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

i'm just trying to make you happy. i'm just trying to be good enough. sometimes i think that if i try really hard everything will be okay between us. i do alot of stupid stuff, thinking it will work and fix it all. i try not to do it. when the thought comes i try to push it away. but it always pops up. it worked.. pushing the thoughts away.. it worked for a while.. but not anymore. it's not okay anymore. i struggle with sleeping. it's been way too long since i've had a good dream. i miss the way life used to be, when all this stuff was never here. when my biggest problem was that sally told teddy that i ate his last cookie. i miss alot of things. i ache these days, physically, mentally, spiritually, especially spiritually. i smile. i can't believe i still smile, but i do. i even laugh. it's a weird feeling to be hurting so much on the inside and be laughing so hard on the outside. it's like i'm two different people these days. i hurt so bad and i want to say so many things, but i don't because when i do it hurts; not just me, it hurts other people too. i've changed alot and that's for sure. i changed to make you happy, and it didn't work. i still don't feel good enough. and i'm begining to think that i never will be.. there are so many other things out there that are good enough for you, i just don't happen to fit there, do i? i say it's okay, but it's not.. i say i can handle waiting that long to talk.. but i really can't. i can't be trusted anymore. i'm not the same little girl i used to be; and i hate that.

that's who i am.. or at least that's who i've become..

Smile Empty Soul.. Smile

2005-04-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

All she has left is an empty soul and a broken smile. The places where she held her friends' love was emptied when they left her. She always smiled with their love floating around, but now her heart is unable to make her smile. The memories of all their times have been reviewed too many times and are now dim and blurred. So now she just distracts herself, so as not to fade these precious memories and to keep from crying, for she can no longer shed tears after faded memories and a broken heart.
She locks herself in her room of escape. She cries alone at night, for she knows not where it was that she went so wrong. Her family's fueding now never stops, so she decided to sit there feeling meaningless. The peace once found in the love of her sweet friends has become a homesick lullaby playing somberly through her worn-out headphones. She's lost all the memory of home, for it's been so long since she felt it, and she fears she has lost it forever, yet she has no reason as to why. So for she'll just walk around wearing her broken smile and humming her homesick lullaby.
She sits alone at night contemplating suicide. When she writes notes they are usually goodbye letters skipping over all the parts of suicide. Her friends are all she's got left, and now she sees them trickling away. The fighting never ceases, now carried from her family to her friends and then back again. She's lot all hope now, scared that she's shamed her friends and especially her big sister. She's scared to be honest with anyone, for she may just shame them more. So for now she just sits back, attempting to stay alive, and stops thinking about suicide.

oedipus

2005-02-08T08:31:00.000-08:00

Heather Holding
02/08/05
Meador 2

The Man Of Blinded Sight

There was a man named Oedipus.
He was a ruler, a king.
His story is filled with incest, lies and deceit.
So let’s all take a look into his book,
And enjoy this tragedy of defeat.

He is a stranger to Thebes,
A city cursed by the Sphinx.
She torments until her riddle is answered.
He solves the riddle,
And marries his mother to become king.

Oedipus is now bound,
By his predestined fate.
He has destroyed his father,
Married his mother,
And lost all hope.

He wishes to gouge out his eyeballs.
He can’t stand seeing his own children.
He cannot see the truth.
Tiresias knows all truths, through blind eyes.
Oedipus is blind to Truth and out of sight.

Oedipus removes his eyes,
With but a pin from a cloak.
He has reasoned with death,
And wishes to let go.
The truth is revealed and his story has ended.

Memories

2005-02-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

I don't remember alot about my childhood. The things I remember are very odd memories. I remember that when I was in pre-school I was deathly afraid of spiders, because my dad was too ans back then I wanted to be just like my daddy. I remember that my brother would tell me this story about a giant tarantula that lived under the passenger seat.. so I would shrivel up my legs into my seat under my bottom. I remember that when my mom would drop me off I would sit at the window seat and watch her drive off to work while screaming. I remember the day that they let us discover the mixing of paints, and this puzzle we had that taught you buttons, snaps, velcro, tying, and such.
Of all the things I remember, I can never recall any memories of me messing up, failing, or dissappointing my parents. I don't remember any fights, or pain, or sorrow. I mean I know I had it because all children do but I don't remember it. I'm begining to wonder if maybe I don't remember beacause it is a natural defense block out the bad memories as a blockade for depression. Maybe we just automatically block out the bad things with our good memories. I wonder if everyone does this or if it's just me.
I'm not sure on any of these things but I do know that I do so enjoy looking back on memories. Maybe you should take a moment to look back.. you can even leave your thoughts on here..

Hair Dye and Converse

2005-01-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

I wanna dress the way I want. I want to wear my frayed jeans with paint splatters on them with my t-shirt and my new converse. I want to wear black and white straight up. I want to dye my hair jet black and straighten it in front of my right eye. I want a darkened silver rose necklace and a white spikey belt. I don't wanna be like this to be like you. I just wanna be myself. I don't want to be mocked anymore for what I consider myself to be. I just wanna be ME without people commenting on me.. it's my life, let me be!!!

New Friend..

2005-01-24T23:48:00.000-08:00

Many of you remember when I started at Central. (Okay most of you probably don’t, but I sure do.) It was a Wednesday and my first class was Digital Graphics and Animation. Mrs. Leatherwood called us all in alphabetical order, and then seated us. I was next to the aisle and this one girl. First impression of her-she’s sad, darkened by something, non-believer or far from God, family problems. (I read into people.) She didn’t really talk and I wasn’t quite ready to embrace the public school life quite yet. I don’t really remember the first time we really started talking. We had a few things in common. We both cherished our friends, liked “dark” music, had naturally brown wavy, frizzy hair and brown eyes (only difference is that she’s pretty), and we trusted each other… even then… Leatherwood would always tell us we did great on our projects, we always had the highest grades. (Can you tell we work well as a team?) We talked off and on and chilled together.
Classes were over now and I was scared that we would lose touch, that we would stop talking and I would lose my friend…
Later we talked on the phone but she was silent the majority of the time.. so we decided that AIM was best for us…
I remember this day like it was yesterday, she IMed me and we small-talked, and then.. she poured out her heart and soul, all these feelings she had bound for three years. She had blamed God for all her sorrows. She had blamed God for three years, there really was distance. I finally told her that God was not the cause of her pain, but that Satan was, and that God was only testing her faith…
That is when I realized why I was sent to Central… God sent me there to help her, so that she could help me. (I’m still excited about this..)
To this day we are best friends. (It feels like it’s been forever..) We talk on the phone without silence, instead our conversations are filled with laughter and sweet melodies. We both have family problems so we’ve established a plan: We will take our boyfriends, of which we have not gained, and run away to Seattle to be together in peace and harmony forever. (I know this will not actually work but I like dreaming.. so don’t burst my bubble!)
Without knowing.. she changed my life… and she still is…

Abbygail

2005-01-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

Today they moved me to the chickadees, that's the little babies. As I was in there holding little Abbygail, I was watching her and she had this look. This look was of pure innocence, it was irridesque, illuminate even. Her bold blue eyes seemed to look at the world in a different view than we do. These eyes had no worry. She trusted her care-giver very much, unlike most of us trust God. I mean she knew that I held her precious life in my hands and she totally trusted me. There was no look of "can you handle this?", like we so often give God. I mean why? Why can't we trust Him? I wonder why we struggle so much with that, trusting God fully with our life, trusting that he would actually take care of us?!? Few people in this world have this look of trust. I mean of course kids, toddlers, and infants have it because they are not in the real life, they live in their own imaginary wall of perfect. But teens and adults we don't have this look, most of us that is. Why is it that they can live in their wall of perfect and we have to struggle with things like beauty, love, life, and such?!? I have a friend and she has the look of Abby. She trusts God completely with her life, just as Abby trusts me with hers.
One day I want to have this look in my eyes, I'm just praying it won't be to late when I develop them...

2005-01-23T13:02:00.000-08:00

These are my little inspirations.. they are what keep me going everyday..

White Walls.

2005-01-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

I'm so mad I can't breathe. I don't know why I'm mad or who I'm mad at but I'm mad. Like a serious mad, like a I'm-so-mad-I-could-punch-my-own-fist-through-my-face kinda mad. I'm delirious, demented, depressed, and acting stupid. I'm saying all the wrong things. Picturing all the bad pictures. Thinking all the wrong things. I'm messed up! I seriously need a phyciatric evaluation. I'm so messed up I'm scared of myself. I'm thinking up seriously demented ways to torture myself.. and no not on purpose they just come.. I don't know what to do... I'm locked inside crying and drowning in my own tears.. Lock me up in a padded room and I'll call it home..

The Day my Bubble Exploded

2005-01-17T13:12:00.000-08:00

(Cubbies is a 3-4 year old program at my church that teaches them Bible verses and manners and all sorts of stuff, it is a branch of AWANA) Now I have 6 kids-- Destiny, Gracy, Rebekkah, Carson, Brandon, and Matthew.. Oh and Jeremy Miles is my helper person.. My kids are ALWAYS up to date on their verses from the start they were the only group of kids to have all their verses done. I had fun with them and they had fun with me.. But Daben always seemed to not like me.. I don't know why.. My kids and I had finished our craft and as usual I had done mine for Kalynn and wrote a little note on it and I took it to her.. Just like I ALWAYS do and instead of her being with her class she was just sitting at the vending machines.. So as I ALWAYS do I dropped it next to her and went back to my table… but Krystal's group was sitting next to mine and her and I were messing around cuz our kids were done with their craft and we'd said all our verses, tonight I had Carson, Destiny, Brandon, and Matthew, those kids don’t pay attention to what I do.. Trust me I know my kids.. And I told Krystal to shove it.. YEA NOT A BIG DEAL.... I mean at the current moment my kids were quoting Napoleon Dynamite and I was joking around with them.. They love it when we just joke around I mean one day I gave them all crazy names like Margenhog (Meaning Tiger jumping up a tree) see? we have great times.. And Kelsi and Randa were messing with Jeremy…and Daben pulls me out of the room and says to me "You've gotta stop acting like this.. These kids are watching you and they are paying attention to what you are doing".. I said "We are all done with our verses and craft.. We have nothing to do" then he explodes my bubble you guys ready??
"Well you know I have a little girl in here and frankly to be honest with you, I would be ashamed to have her in your group" I just walked away then.. And went to sit with my kids.. Almost to tears and I start to clean up you know cuz I'd hate to offend anyone with a messy table and of course according to Daben my kids were being the worst behaved and poor Carson keeps saying "I's hungry" and we had to go last to snack... that was it.. I couldn’t take it anymore I had a five and I went looking for change (in the same room of course) and this one dude had a dollar, I told him I’d pay him back when I got change.. So I went to the vending machines and Kalynn was still there I couldn’t make eye contact with her and I was really frustrated cuz the stupid snack machine wouldn’t take my dollar..
So I gave up and started to head back.. but I decided I couldn’t return to that place.. so I turned around and decided to get a juice.. so of course.. I did and Kalynn goes I always wanted to try that..
so I said want a sip?
She took one and I thankfully sat down next to my ever-loving friend.. Problem was that I could see the cubbies room from my spot so I shifted to the other side where all I could see was Kalynn and the Minute Maid button on the machine..
I just stared at the rug and we chatted about her tourney and I decided to tell her what happened… she was pissed. No joke she was like I’ll yell at him if I find out who it is..
Daben was trying to wave me down to come back and Mrs. Karen wanted me too.. but I said no (I imagine that at this moment Daben’s telling Jeremy to come and get me) …and then I made the mistake.. I made eye contact with Jeremy, he came and tried to get me to go back.. I told him no and that it was an A B conversation so C your way out of it and he saw Daben so he left... then Daben took one look at me and went straight to Tony.. (Tony is the Ambassador.. the head hauncho of AWANA at our church..)
Kalynn gets up and I supposed she was gunna bash so I just left.. and I start walking back and the only words I can make out are from Tony “We’ll take care of it”..

So I automatically take it to be the worst..
my current thoughts.. THEY ARE GOING TO KICK ME OUT.. THEY’RE GUNNA TAKE MY KIDS AWAY!
I go and sit next to Jeremy and tell him what Tony said.. (not knowing what was going on between Kalynn, Tony, and Daben..)
I was SO scared.. I loved these kids with all my heart.. they were usually what pulled me through to wake up in the mornings..
Daben returned and I wasn’t ready for a confrontation so I naturally as Brandon if he wants to sit in my lap (Brandon’s mom Mrs. Hayes loves me the most.. she’s always complementing me on how well I handle the kids.. one day she subbed for me when I was sick..) and avoid Daben altogether.. we returned to our tables and I wanted to leave right away cuz I couldn’t handle seeing those kids parents.. for what I thought may be the last time.. I put all their coats on and told Jeremy to call me in 5 if I hadn’t called him yet.. I wasn’t in the mood for talking to anyone.. but it didn’t work.. Tony stopped me and I was sure I was a goner.. but he gave me a big hug and asked if I was okay and then said “I love you, but Daben’s the boss, thank you for helping in everything that you do.”
I then nodded sublimely and turned to my fateful day.. for I had been defeated.. he called me again and pointed at me the way he always did and said “I love you girl!”..
I nodded again and returned to my well-used path of sadness and almost cried.. but I remembered my mom and told myself to stop.. I crossed into the Plex and told my buddies I would be unable to attend Bible study because my mom needed to work, when I honestly just couldn’t stand looking at anyone.. I returned to my car and called Jeremy and told him I was in the car.. mom asked about that and I said “he wanted to make sure I got to the car safe..” she called her mom and I was sick of her ignoring me by calling her mother so I called Kalynn to see what had happened..
she told me that Daben had told Tony that she must have distracted me..
Kalynn then told him that it was his fault that he had really hurt me and that she was just being there for her friend and that I was almost to tears.. and that he never should have handled it that way in front of the kids..
then Daben goes I pulled her out of the room..
and Kalynn says Yea, but then she had to return to those kids you should have waited until AWANA was over to talk to her like that…

I of course had to tell my mother all about it and she told me I needed to find out what I had done to offend him… of course she always takes the other peoples’ sides.. I wish I had a mom that comforted and then brought me back to reality Like Mrs.Bonola or Mrs.Allen or someone like them.. ugh.. I’m not sure I can handle going back to that..