it's not okay anymore.

i'm just trying to make you happy. i'm just trying to be good enough. sometimes i think that if i try really hard everything will be okay between us. i do alot of stupid stuff, thinking it will work and fix it all. i try not to do it. when the thought comes i try to push it away. but it always pops up. it worked.. pushing the thoughts away.. it worked for a while.. but not anymore. it's not okay anymore. i struggle with sleeping. it's been way too long since i've had a good dream. i miss the way life used to be, when all this stuff was never here. when my biggest problem was that sally told teddy that i ate his last cookie. i miss alot of things. i ache these days, physically, mentally, spiritually, especially spiritually. i smile. i can't believe i still smile, but i do. i even laugh. it's a weird feeling to be hurting so much on the inside and be laughing so hard on the outside. it's like i'm two different people these days. i hurt so bad and i want to say so many things, but i don't because when i do it hurts; not just me, it hurts other people too. i've changed alot and that's for sure. i changed to make you happy, and it didn't work. i still don't feel good enough. and i'm begining to think that i never will be.. there are so many other things out there that are good enough for you, i just don't happen to fit there, do i? i say it's okay, but it's not.. i say i can handle waiting that long to talk.. but i really can't. i can't be trusted anymore. i'm not the same little girl i used to be; and i hate that.

that's who i am.. or at least that's who i've become..